Hibernation over, Ferrari alive in Baku, some retarded trivial weekend format I don’t care to learn happening on Saturday, we shall return to weekly scheduled slurpage on Sunday

Ferrari dead in Baku, Max shitter-shattered after having one of his signature overtake moves used on him. Rubbin’s racin, stop whinging. “They race me so hard”

What a miserable boring race, not even a safety car caused by De Vries choking into the wall spiced it up. These new car regs are a dud, to the surprise of nobody, and the only good developments is that Mercedes are facing karma for seven years of FIAMG, and Alonso having a car that isn’t total shite. Friendly reminder that only four drivers, and Red Bull+Mercedes have won every WDC and WCC since 2009. Even more embarrassing was the commentators suggesting that RB should be giving team orders to Perez (four races into the season) even though he’s actually fighting for the lead of the championship. Only excitement was Alpeen forgetting to change tyres and forcing Ocon to dodge pedestrians in the pit lane on the last lap.

Another snoozer down, this time Miami. Get to see such exciting developments like Alonso driving both Astons, Sainz getting a speeding ticket that has no effect on the outcome of the race, and yet another Red Bull 1-2. Choke-o Perez can’t convert a pole into a win even when his teammate starts P9, LeClerc has clearly mentally checked out and I don’t blame him; there is no reason for Ferrari to be this slow. Alpine-Renault are also supposedly pulling out, as is common for French entrants. Spend a heap of money, accomplish nothing, leave with head hung in shame only to rejoin a few years later and start the whole process over again.

This is where I’d put my review of the Imola GP… IF THEY HOSTED ONE

A championship so boring I forgot to post two weeks in a row >Monaco Asston Shartin throw away a potential race win by putting Alonso on slicks whilst half the track is underwater, guaranteeing a Max win as Choke-o Perez (street fighter extraordinaire) languished outside of the points due to crashing out in Q1 >Spain Such a snoozer I checked out halfway through. Exposure central, LeChoke qualified in P19 on pure pace, and finished in BFE. Sainz started in P2 and then faded behind the surging M*rcedes. Perez? Who the fuck is that? Alonso uncharacteristically slow, outqualified and outperformed by a fucking Leaf. Nothing happened all race.

Leaf GP over and done with. Once again, Max beats everyone to T1 and scampers away without challenge because Perez is a seatwarmer and the FIA can't help but suck off Red Bull and Mercedes. Only events of note note was a VSC caused by an american Sergeant having a moment in Quebec just like 1812, and NARB KWABing himself into the wall. Qualifying was more entertaining. Just watch MotoGP

And now Austria. Max pulls a second a lap on the Ferraris despite the Fs being on better tyres, Checo does nothing. Maximum slurpage. NEXT

Just like in the sweltering summer of 1969, the promise of Agent Orange fails to produce results in Britain. At least Norris manages to hold off the NIGGER despite McLel putting him on the worst tyres imaginable after a late safety car. Otherwise, Perez is now reaching critical levels of exposure after having a multiple race streak of being bumped in Q1 and barely finishing in the points on Sunday. Ferrari who?

Lewis runs out of Ham despite qualifying P1. Joe waGwan, You kills both Alpines and Ricciardo in T1, Ric manages to only be mildly exposed in his return. McLaren is back, Ferrari is over, Red Bull breaks the win streak record. Hungary down, Belgium next.

Perez and Ricciardo are shit in Belgium, and summer break is upon us. Thank god

And so we return, to Holland. Ric dies in qualifying, and on sunday even the rain gods playing tricks can't stop VerWinsLol. Perez gets gifted a golden opportunity in strategy, can't capitalise, and then follows LeClerc on giving up on life just as the race gets red flagged because of a dead chink on track. Just gotta get through this season

Ferrari choke in Monza, Max breaks records. Not worth discussing more

Scriptopore.

And RB wins the WCC at their second home GP. Bottas is killed by Sergeant, and Perez commits public harakiri out of shame. McLarens do well, Mercs try to kill each other.

Max is so dominant he wins the WDC on Saturday, with six races left in the season. On Sunday, Al Hamil tries to kill his teammate but kills himself instead whilst Sargeant retires from mental fatigue.

Max starts P6 in COTA giving the false hope for a non-RB win, but it doesn't matter because McLel and Ferlelri throw away P1 and P2 with abhorrent strategies.

Perez suffers yet another humiliation ritual, this time at his home GP. Max walks away in the lead from another LeClerc win, and I check out at the halfway point.

Silliness in L1 at Brazil, then 70 laps of nothing

Max converts another Chuck pole into a win in Vegas.

Thank god the season is finally over. Leclerc running the strateggi at Ferrari, and Max wins to round of this abhorrent championship. Here's to 2024, I need a bloody drink