>>51025
She wasn't my kamioshi, nor the first oshi, but still an oshi. I've lliked her since the debut, I've watched every single one of her membership streams, I've watched most of her regular streams (wish I could've done so since debut and wasn't just a VODwatcher), I was really upset when she was on her health break in January and I was really, really happy when she was back.... I know many of you who watched her casually will just say that "well, her health is bad, so I could see it coming" or "she didn't even liked being a corpo in the first place". Both are false. She liked streaming in Nijji till the end, even when the shit hit the fan she was still protective towards the company, and on her last membership stream she said that her physical health was fine. What wasn't fine was her mental health. Let me explain something that I didn't want to share untill now: while I wasn't paying attention at the moment, her mental state detorirated significantly since January. Her behaviour became more irratic, she stopped collabing with other members (minus Vivi and her friends), she started doing weird stuff like quietly switching or mismatching streams and then saying "oops, waiting room was messed up/there was a msitake in a schedule" even though it was obviously fine untill like 1 hour before the stream, she started making extremly bizzare and weird remarks, including:
>Calling TTT a fake wave, saying that she doesn't know Claude and that they just debuted together
>Saying that she will never go to Japan again because she got "cursed" or there's some kind of allergen that makes her sick
>Saying that she should forget Japanese and she doesn't want to speak in Japanese ever again. Reminder that she has N2 level of Japanese and worked in Japan for 2 years before
>She had borderline panic attacks when people sent her huge superchats, telling people that she doesn't deserve it. It wasn't just humbelness or whatever, she genuinely meant it and told people that they are paying for nothing
While some weirdness like genuine dislike of superchating, saying that "I'm way too lame for my own model" and not caring about geting merch were present since the debut, everything else started happening after January. Her overall personality, while in minor ways, has changed for the worst.
Back when she returned from her break, someone actually brought up the topic of graduation on her membership stream. It was semi-serious, but she had brought up a serious answer: "I don't see myself being a streamer in 10 years, I don't want to do this for this long. Howewer, I'm not planning on graduating anytime soon. It would be sad". And it is sad. Yeah, she didn't have any concrete plans when it comes to being a liver, she was just vibing and on the last few streams she said "I hate when streaming becomes just mindless content machine with no creativity that goes nowhere just for the sake of content, and I feel like my content has become just like that". But nevertheless, she really liked being in Niji, and she liked streaming, at the time. Considering Vivi and Aia weren't acting unusual just before her announcement and the lack of reactions, I guess she didn't tell anybody besides the managemnt about it. Which is even more heartbreaking.
I was the guy who livepsoted her the most here and I don't know if there are still any nakarats hanging out in here. My brain refuses to accept and to process everything yet, but when it will do, it will hurt. All the memories flooding in and time spent together will hurt. I don't know if she'll decide to do any stream like her promised two watchalongs or her 3.0, but if she does, I'll try to livepost it. Besides that, I'm just exhausted. What had happened to Mugi yesterday made me sick and I went to bed feeling extremly horrible, just to wake up and see the announcement. I actually feel extremly nauseous right now. I livepost the other livers a lot, but... I feel like I'll just mostly lurk for sometime, I just can't anymore. I might livepost my other oshis, but... I just don't feel it anymore. Don't feel the urge to funpost or joke around. And sorry for this obnoxious mucho texto essay here. I just wanted to let it all out.
When Hex announced his graduation, he said, paraphrasing: "You will never know if your oshi's stream will be the last or not. I might die, the computer might explode, the internet will get cut permanently, and I won't be around anymore. So don't make me the part of your personality and don't rely on me for emotional support. Just cherish every single stream like it will be the last". It is the truth, I can attest to it myself from my experience, but it still hurts. And it can't not hurt with all the emotional connection. But still, I'll have to move forward. It's not my first oshi to graduate and not the last, I have other oshis and I'll probably find new oshis in the future too. But it's still hard when this happens. It's always hard.