A /BRIT/ CHRISTMAS TALE!
Steiner waded through the knee deep snow. The trees overhead turned everything black, much like Democrats. "So that's why foids watch these . . . fuckin' Socratic dialogues of normiedom all day", he seethed into his camera. Suddenly he tripped. "NIGGER!", he shouted as he nouth filled with ice cold snow. He was hoisted up by an unseen force. A rope. Around his ankle? But how? He struggled as he felt the blood rush to his head. There came a rustling. A bear? Niggers? Had the Jews finally caught up to him? No, the rustling was distinctly metallic. Tin foil . . .
Steiner's eyes struggled to see through the snow. "Gotcha chug!" He manoeuvred as best he could. "Spic!" There he stood in all his glory. The tinfoil cowboy. His dark Portuguese eyes staring blankly at Steiner. They were expressionless and full of hatred. Like a shark eyeing its prey. "Don't struggle, you'll only make it worse". Steiner relaxed his body in frustration. "What do you want Spic? I don't have time for this, I have rants to make!" Spic circled Steiner, laughing. He never took his eyes of him. "I have a proposal for you but we can't discuss it here". Spic through something at the ground and Steiner was over come by gas. He slowly closed his eyes as the gas knocked him clean out.
Drip. Drip. Steiner groaned. Drip. He started abruptly. "What the fuck?", he panted, "where the fuck am I?" He looked around. He was in a bedroom lighted only by a redlight bollock massager. There was a tinfoil bed with a tinfoil teddy bear, tinfoil curtains, tinfoil bedside tables, a tinfoil wardrobe, tinfoil fleshlight, even tinfoil wallpaper. The carpet was near purely crusty socks. Truly, he was in Spics lair. "So, I guess you're wondering why I brought you hear". Steiner started again at the sudden break in silence. "What is it, Spic? Just let me go alright?" spice (Nick Lemongrass, Harrisa Not Herbs, Gerry Garlic, Shallots Magazine)yed Steiner steadily. "I want to assassinate the Bum Bum King".
Steiner laughed. "Don't laugh at me!", cried Spic with a terrifying presence. He was like a Metallic Valkyrie in his buttockless tinfoil chaps. Steiner would never admit it out loud . . . but he was frightened. "The Bum Bum King laughs at me . . . says I'm a mad little Morisco goblin . . . I'll show him . . . he took my board from me . . . him and those /newbrit/ freaks . . . I will be avenged" He pulled out a suitcase full of wires and opened it up. It was a bomb. A big one. "This'll show 'em, Steiner, but I can't carry it alone. I . . . need your help" Steiner was silent. He was trapped with this lunatic. "Why do you need my help? You built that bomb. You trapped me. You can easily bomb the Bum Bum King with that device. Let me go, Spic". Spic looked down, embarrassed: "I'm too week to carry the bomb that far . . ."
Steiner paused for thought. He knew what to do. "Alright Spic. We Amerilards should stick together". Spic jumped for joy and untied Steiner. Suddenly, Steiner grabbed him a suplexed Spic's little twink body into the bomb. It exploded, sending Spic's lifeless corpse and Steiner flying through the roof of the house and far into the air. Steiner knew he was going to die when he hit the ground. He closed his eyes. "I killed a Spic and saved the Bum Bum King's life. I had a good one", he said wistfully as he resigned himself to his fate.
Bang! He hit something. But he was too far up to hit anything . . . the blast was too great . . . He grasped at something soft. A blanket? Steiner opened his eyes. It was Father Christmas! "Santa Claus!? What the fuck!?" He was in the sleigh. "You saved me?" Father Christmas chuckled. "You earned it, my son, besides . . . you're on the based list!" Steiner was elated! He heard Spic's lifeless tinfoil form smash into a dog kennel where the canine tore his lifeless corpse to shreds. "Oh man, this is awesome!" Shouted Steiner. Father Christmas handed him a gift. "Besides", he said, "I wouldn't be able to return this to the shops!" It was a toy wrestling ring with a Big Show and Hulk Hogan action figure. "Aw gee! Thanks Santa! Just what I always wanted! It even has a canvas to get under the ring!" Father Christmas smiled. I have something else for you . . . " Steiner felt a hand on his shoulder. It was the Bum Bum King! "Ta, kidder" he said. They embraced, saying nothing as the stars glittered overhead.
Dorset sadly passed away that night for unrelated reasons.