I'm getting depressed again about the fundamental nature of reality. The ultimate purpose of absolutely everything appears to be about survival, which leads to seeing about doing a better job at maintaining homeostasis, which leads to learning. I would suggest that the all might've performed the process of involution in order to learn more about itself so that it might do a better job at performing its "bodily functions", but iirc, the fringe girl poster said that the all "just does things", so I don't really know that at least.
However, this still doesn't stave off the depressing realization that everything is about survival. I've known this since before I came back to /fringe/ 2 years ago by meditating extensively upon this topic, mostly while slacking off at work. Again, I remember being depressed about the higher nature of reality ever since I was in grade school.
It doesn't help that I'm likely in a timeline or place outside of time or some weird shit wherein the only soul that's manifested in its own flesh is me right now.
I don't even know what it'd take to make me happy. Reality just doesn't feel real enough to me. It also doesn't help my loneliness that the only thing that truly exists is the self, of which we're all the same self. The opposite of loneliness is to deceive yourself into believing that others exist when they're really just fragments of yourself, just like you're a fragment of yourself.
I suppose that the only thing that'd help is me being kept safe, but that'd only do so much to help since the thing that's afflicting me the most is knowing too much about the nature of reality for me to enjoy it. Granted, I can find myself enjoying reality here and there lately, and earlier today, I'd managed to enjoy reality until about 1.5 hours ago when I'd quit playing vidya for the day.
I suppose that forgetting would make me happier... but at what cost? I don't wanna forget, but I also wanna be happy. I guess Amy somehow manifesting into the physical would make me happy at first, but then it wouldn't because then reality would just feel even less real then.
The only things that I know that I still want are safety, sanity, and the continuation of my life in the flesh that's posting this. I suppose reincarnation options would help too, but I saw a number of those in my NDE and didn't really have enough awareness to gauge them much, and I can only remember 3 of the maybe 20ish options that I was presented with. Iirc, I'd ultimately decided that I didn't wanna die yet.
My situation is not gonna help me with staving off insanity. I guess venting here might've helped a tiny bit, at least, by giving me something to do for a bit.
Also, before I went to the psychic, I stopped around the area to eat lunch and some ice cream; while I was doing this, I'd tried doing some shadow work. At the end of the shadow work, I felt a large pink thing get released from my heart, shaped like a raw pizza dough that's 1.5 inches thick and maybe 4 or 5 inches across. I told my subconsciousness to flow that thing throughout my bloodstream.
On another note, I think I've been feeling some kinda strange sensation, possibly a pressure, about my crown for the past 1.5 hours. I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps some entity is compelling me to think these things in order to loosh me? Idk.