This isn't art related at all and considerably off topic but I have nowhere else to vent.
I'm currently at the lowest point of my life, my health is at risk, I'm completely alone both in regards to accomplishments and friends and family, and nothing seems to be working for me. Despite this I'm even more afraid that things will just go worse until I hit rock bottom and kill myself.
I'm going to go to the doctor today to get a fungal infection on, of all places, my fucking genitals, checked out.
It couldn't have been somewhere normal like my foot or something, it just had to be my genitals. Thanks God, you sick fuck.
I've never been more afraid in my life than this past week. It got extremely bad in the span of two days, it even pierced skin last Friday and made me bleed a bit with how badly it's eaten away at me. Never to a drastic moment, maybe one or two flakes of skin, surface level, but enough to see red. Disinfectants and clotrimazole do nothing but keep it at bay and reduce it, but they can't seem to kill it, no matter what I do they can't seem to kill it.
My deepest fear is that I go to the doctor and it's some sort of undiscovered strand of fungus, or the medication they give me fails like the one's I use now are, or worse, that it's something serious, like cancer (not cancer but like it, on it's level) and there's nothing I can do.
Let me be clear here, once that happens, I'm just losing what's left of my will to live, point blank, I am ending it.
I'm not going to just let this thing eat my body after death either, if I die, I'm taking these fucks with me, and I'm burning myself alive like the Vietnamese, I'm covering myself in oil, lighting myself on fire, then slitting my throat and praying that my corpse and this thing, whatever it is, gets consumed by the flame.
Maybe I'll upload all my works that currently exist before I do that, but I'm not sure why, it would just be depressing to see the lost potential in a dead man's work. Maybe someone somewhere in a thousand years will find some enjoyment though the way they do for posthumous portraits like the Arnolfini or "Take your son sir." are.
Sorry if this is coming off as, I dunno, too disturbing for people even on the successor to the site that used to house /baph/ and /hebe/ and /guro/. I'm just scared. I've never felt a stronger pain in my stomach than before now, I want to cry, to scream, to feel something, but the worst part is that the shell of the man that I am now can't. I wish I could but as the years have gone by it's become harder and harder to shed tears. I don't think I'll be able to even as I contemplate what I'll be leaving behind if nothing can save me from all this and I'm forced to just leave this Earth.
I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could say.
What a shame, what a rotten way to die.
Pray for me anonymous friends.