>>701 Rollan

GOD JEHOVAH! GOD OF VENGEANCE! HE WILL DEVOUR YOU! >>701 rolling

>>744 I got dubs! I choose Fuhrer wizard.

I am a mage the ascension fan. I like the game because I provides a diverse and very adaptable magic system. With that out of the way. After a lot of reading, I came to the conclusion that I am a widderslainte, a person whose avatar was inverted in a past incarnation. Point is I might have at least partially undone what was wrong with me. I might have reinverted my avatar. I don't get the omnicidal urges anymore. This place seems like one of the best places to ask. Did I just magically castrate myself, or something like that? Magic is a lot harder to do now, some of the spells that were trivial to me give me headaches now.

>>701 Roller

>>759 >I am a mage the ascension fan And I am waiting for the VTMB sequel but I guess I will wait a decade more because that franchise is cursed. >I like the game because I provides a diverse and very adaptable magic system Yeah quite the wide lore. They have quite the gems but I cannot say I know them well. I rarely read or enter discussions about them. >I came to the conclusion that I am a widderslainte Ohkay https://whitewolf.fandom.com/wiki/Widderslainte I just read this and this is not exactly making a lot of sense. >person whose avatar was inverted in a past incarnation Yeah and was inverted into what? Things are not always black and white. You can divert from your soul origin a million ways. >Point is I might have at least partially undone what was wrong with me Yeah you have to define what is "partially" and "wrong" here. Not to mention half-assing things does not result in improvement. It's like trying to clean up dry shit then you just doze it with water then leave it there instead of finishing the job. Now you just produced wet stinking shit instead of actually cleaning up. >I might have reinverted my avatar You can divert from your soul origin further or create a sort of false ego or false light instead of finding your own truth. It can get complicated and varies person by person. >I don't get the omnicidal urges anymore y-yeah me neither h-haha >This place seems like one of the best places to ask We will see >Did I just magically castrate myself, or something like that? I think you just merely twisted your own nuts or blue balled yourself and didn't exactly castrate yourself. If you actually castrated yourself you would turn into an absolute NPC. >Magic is a lot harder to do now, some of the spells that were trivial to me give me headaches now. Yeah that can come from many things. First of all casting spells "In your prime" might result in dirty and clogged meridians if you do it mindlessly (I know that from my own experience). You will have to understand how the energies move because instead of "regenerating mana" you just simply clog your energy channels without realizing. Not to mention the inner soul forms and the soul origins need to be "harmonized" and not "Inverted" whatever that even means for you. Working with higher gods and the Buddhas helped me more and slowly eroded my urges that stemmed from mundane degeneracy that society sprays us with 24/7. But I cannot say I am "Holy" yet the only reason I am working with them is that I need a proper understanding how my powers work because psychic anomalies can get ridiculous but I am sure you know that from your setting already. Not to mention "magic" is a wide term so I am not sure what you are doing wrong. There is a reason throwing shit around and seeing what sticks and truly cultivating is a whole different thing altogether. Currently I don't have a good enough grasp on your situation so I cannot give a conclusive reply yet. What I understand so far is that a >widderslainte is a sort of psycho but what made him into a psycho is an another question altogether. Is it something his soul origin dictated? A mere coincidence? Was it fated? Did the soul merge with vengeful natural forces like... some posters in this thread? Sometimes finding out your past life origin is not enough because you will have to find out the origin of your origin. What forces created your past life and what forces are still at play from it. Some people say that "you have to retrace your own path" then find out the anomalies and how they infect the future lives and how they generate/uphold a sort of karma. >>760 Cosmic wizard is nice. Becoming one truly explains all the nature of the reality.

>>759 You just need to get used to drawing from a truth that isn't entirely negative. Or you could reconstruct your old astral matrix in a partitioned area of your self to mitigate it causing unintentional damage. Although that could just cause the original flaw to re-emerge if you aren't vigilant.

>>761 Wait really? You know its a shame your a schizo or I'd ask wtf why do you not post on >>>/tg/. I mean hell our group was thinking of running a mage campaign.

>>759 Also I'm going through a very similar corrective working on myself at the moment, and I also spent quite a while reading MtAs sourcebooks for metaphysical inspiriation in the past. Funny coincidences.

>>763 >wtf why do you not post on >>>/tg/. ... Because I lack free time for that and I should meditate anyways. Not to mention your "setting" is not original it is a mesh of several magic traditions and creativity derived from them. It describes things that actually can happen. >shame your a schizo If you say so. What other "class" do you consider less of a "shame" you dork.

>>761 I didn't think I'd get replied to so soon. I'm currently writing down my experience in a coherent manner, that way it will be easier for others to understand. >Yeah you have to define what is "partially" and "wrong" here. Not to mention half-assing things does not result in improvement. It's like trying to clean up dry shit then you just doze it with water then leave it there instead of finishing the job. Now you just produced wet stinking shit instead of actually cleaning up. I just don't like dealing with absolutes, it allows hubris to take hold and absolutes restrict freedom of thought. I'm suspicious, because it was all gone it an instant, that whatever caused me all of this has just stopped influencing me, so as to let me lower my guard and come back when I can't hold it off properly. I used to word "partially" because I don't want to think reinverted my avatar, a feat that in the game's lore is almost impossible. How could I ,some guy, do such a thing, that would be extremely unlikely. What I felt was "wrong" with me is complex. I wasn't just this: I felt the call of oblivion. To destroy all, to corrupt, to defile etc. I might have made my problem worse, that's why I'm here asking. >Yeah and was inverted into what? Avatars in mtas guide the mage to ascension. Think of it as The Great Work, an alchemist creating the philosopher's stone. An inverted avatar guides the mage to the descension, the opposite of ascension, A second characteristic of an inverted avatar is that it compels the mage who has one to do things that help that mage to descend. This in practice manifests as the mage being compelled to do really evil shit. >clog your energy channels without realizing. I looked into myself and that might be the case. My connection to my avatar isn't as strong as it could be because there is something blocking it. I could unclog it, but I won't. Things work enough as they are now and perhaps the newly cleared connection could be exploited by my avatar to exert influence onto me. >Did the soul merge with vengeful natural forces like... some posters in this thread? This has been going on for the past 8 or so years. This thread was created a week ago. >You can divert from your soul origin further or create a sort of false ego or false light instead of finding your own truth. It can get complicated and varies person by person. I used, and still use, that as a coping mechanism. >>762 >You just need to get used to drawing from a truth that isn't entirely negative. I'm planing on doing that. >Or you could reconstruct your old astral matrix in a partitioned area of your self to mitigate it causing unintentional damage. Although that could just cause the original flaw to re-emerge if you aren't vigilant. What do you mean by astral matrix, my avatar, the astral body? If that's the case I wasn't talking about that. I was referring to this: https://whitewolf.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar . I don't think I can astrally project. >>759 Good luck.

>>779 By astral matrix I mean the energetic construct that your awareness is attached to and filters itself through in order to perceive and interact with the world. In regards to your 'avatar', aka the part of your 'soul' that 'channels a higher power', I would suggest that you spend some time in meditation attempting to connect your awareness directly to this part of yourself, such that you're able to 'look through its eyes'. Eventually you'll be able to act from that perspective, will allow for greater functionality on your part. Also keep in mind that channeled game mechanics/lore is never going to match reality 1:1. It'll be effected by functional restrictions of the genre, the author's interpretation of the information being channeled, the reader's interpretation, irrelevant cultural influences, etc. >I just don't like dealing with absolutes, it allows hubris Think of it as faith. Regardless of what you're doing it's not going to work if you don't have faith. If you're afraid of becoming delusional, just listen to your intuition. Most self-deluded people know in their gut that something's wrong but cover it up with rationalizations.

>>779 >I didn't think I'd get replied to so soon I can wait more days before a reply if you want >I'm currently writing down my experience in a coherent manner, that way it will be easier for others to understand. Yeah forget coherence and easy to understand. You are still not giving enough detail about how you do your magic and how it is weaker. Not to mention using only tabletop lore as your mental framework is not a good idea long term. >I just don't like dealing with absolutes Yeah... Absolutes are not that simple. What you think as an absolute is not always the "end" usually it is just the beginning of the end a mere new chapter. >absolutes restrict freedom of thought True in a sense but only if you consider the absolute as a "limit" to your understanding. Sometimes you need to use it as a foundation. Btw I am still not getting what you consider an "absolute" here. I am not even sure absolutes exist anymore tbh. There is always a bigger fish always a higher truth always a backdoor or a workaround. >I'm suspicious, because it was all gone it an instant Yeah paranoia is not exactly a good thing to have because that usually reinforces the hold of negative entities in a way that their presence is not even needed anymore. >that whatever caused me all of this has just stopped influencing me Truth is I don't really feel a strong entity presence emanating from you but >so as to let me lower my guard and come back when I can't hold it off properly If you feel this way then you will have to inspect the origin of that feeling besides fear. Truth is most entities are pussies but that doesn't mean they are not persistent until they realize they have no chance against you. >How could I ,some guy, do such a thing, that would be extremely unlikely Yeah not having confidence within yourself weakens your energy body not to mention incarnated people have a strong energy body that blows away most non physical entities if they are not held back by lower energies like fear and anxiety or other substance abuses. Also I don't understand why you consider yourself >some guy Everyone starts the journey as the fool. I even heard somewhere that the name Jesus was as widespread as the name John back then. So Jesus was a mere average Joe. Every story starts with "some guy" doing "something" then shit happens. This is the Hero's journey. >What I felt was "wrong" with me is complex Yeah if you want help you will have to write it down further so I can figure out if it's an entity messing with you or it's actually a past life going mad energetically. >To destroy all, to corrupt, to defile etc. Yeah I too have that sometimes especially during shadow work. I remember when I had the urge to defile corpses. It turned out that is the energy that is within the entrails where "bacteria" is literally "defiling corpses". This is why fasting is encouraged in many faiths so these shit energies don't poison your pure energy practice. >I might have made my problem worse Yeah I am still not sure exactly of the parameters of the problem. What you describe here is something we all go through willingly. >I was referring to this: https://whitewolf.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar Okay i read this and you will have to get acquainted what is an ACTUAL avatar in spirituality. First off an "avatar" might be you the person in the flesh an avatar of your higher self. Second Gods had avatars where instead of actually incarnating they made an avatar that had to go through the birth process and the human learning/growth process then they realized who they are and developed abilities of their own truth like Krishna and other hindu beings. What is written here as an "avatar" is the same as what Jung figured out already https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus I too have these "avatars" but I call them guides or past life shards or some aspects of my higher self. Some of them are mean assholes that need to learn their place while some of them are heralds of my own potential. >An inverted avatar guides the mage to the descension An "invented avatar" is literally the "Jungian shadow". And the "descension" is the shadow work we have to complete so we can figure out the energetic shackles that hold (back) our potential. It's not pretty for anyone. >is that it compels the mage who has one to do things that help that mage to descend Yes our shadow does that this is why we have to work with it and realize how the shadow is a part of our psyche that we are hiding from ourselves. And bottling it up does not help so we work with it so we can be free from the lower thoughts. First we realize the shadow can be an external entity we figure out how to deal with it then we realize the shadow is part of us and because of that we need to accept it and "free it" from these dark desires otherwise you both will suffer. The shadow work kicks the ass of many occultists if they don't pace themselves and lie to themselves during the process. The whitewolf wiki wrote down well how it can cause split personalities and other mental instabilities. This shadow once cleaned and reintegrated and understood can be used to breach into higher and lower realities. It becomes the "holy spirit". The Anima and Animus forces Jung described. And more. >This in practice manifests as the mage being compelled to do really evil shit. Oh and I am compelled to do evil shit to my shadow and to every entity that dares to overtake my shadow. Yes btw foreign entities can overtake parts of your subconscious and your shadow to influence you. If you don't consider the shadow "yourself" or part of yourself then others can overtake it. This is why shadow work can get messy if you don't know what you are doing. This is why unstable people are cautioned to not invoke powerful forces or demons because if their psyche is weak the shadow gets overcharged and overtakes the occultist. This is magic 101 here. >I looked into myself and that might be the case Yeah this is how I see it too currently. You said you did magic and you are bad at it now. Those who can do magic effortlessly have a powerful aura that is easy to feel. While I am not the master of psychic sensitivity yet I can still notice sometimes how much power someone holds if I pay attention. >My connection to my avatar isn't as strong as it could be because there is something blocking it. I could unclog it, but I won't Yeah if your avatar would be strong it would literally jump through my screen while trying to look into you. It is quite dormant and I am not even sure if I "see" the "avatar" you are talking about at all. >Things work enough as they are now If you feel that way then I am not sure if there is a point helping you in any way. This is your own journey your own life. Proceed as you see fit. >the newly cleared connection could be exploited by my avatar to exert influence onto me. What newly created connection? Also higher energies cannot be overtaken by lower energies that easily. Like oil and water don't mix. Sometimes it is like wind and water or even more different. >This has been going on for the past 8 or so years wew >This thread was created a week ago.

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Yes and fringe has other anons that have past or not time bound "avatars" influencing their lives. Fringe has quite the history. This is why this is the intrusive thoughts thread. We discover the influences that make us post the worst and dumbest things. By some posters I meant >>744 this guy for example. >I used, and still use, that as a coping mechanism. That is bad. You will have to face yourself. You have to realize the inner truth of your avatar or you realize it's "not (You)" at all but a mere shadow a malformed version of you that you have to fix by yourself. You sorta become the guide the savior of your warped doomed self. You go through the light and darkness together to realize who you truly are. >>780 Also this is a perfect advice. Maybe even better than mine.

>>779 Also one more thing. The Whitewolf channeled lore/mechanics are sometimes an "actual place" in the astral and it's possible to connect to them. Years ago I read about some wikipage about some afterlife hell dimension where souls suffer and they can be turned into artifacts which is horrible but after that they stop suffering and as I read about it out of boredom I connected to an entity. I asked him what he wants then he replied to me that I was the one connecting to him... so I said sorry and ended the psychic missdial. So yes the whitewolf writers are channeling things from an "avatar" a "genius" of sorts. From a place that exists. Like Lovecraft's Eldritch abominations and the legends of old talk about actual places. This is why the setting is so rich. It's not entirely "made up". So what I am saying you might be entangled by an otherworldly influence like that too. You will have to figure out if it's "truly you" or just a mere influence. This is why we have to let go of the shackles of the false ego and find the guidance of our actual higher self.

>>796 >This is how I do my magic Also I'll be using mage the ascension terminology, because that's the one I know. I think I awoke I a bath tub. I was masturbating and I didn't want to cum. I noticed before that I flex my thighs when I cum and this time I didn’t and because my brain is my brain therefore I can control the sensations I experience. Then I learned how to feel the emotions that other people feel by examining subtle cues in their speech patterns. I also was able to extend this ability to poetry that I read. And I also learned how to spot lies by examining the tone of the person I was listening to. Fast forward years, I don’t know how much exactly because it was hard to keep track of time in that state, somehow I had thought myself how to think faster, not to be smarter but just to think a little bit faster, this effect was active at all the time and I lived like that, I though myself how to feel sensations more. And while is was riding my bike exploring town. This isn’t really magic but the game classifies these effects as magic After I learned about mage and that it’s a hard game to learn I went to the wiki to learn about it. I was reading about the spheres, I was trying to understand what each sphere does and how it fits into the game’s magic system. To do so I tried breaking down different real world phenomena and powers form other franchises. I was reading about the sphere of entropy and how its used to tell if someone is telling a lie or not. This was odd because the mind sphere exists, then I looked at what effects the mind sphere can do and I found out that what I have been doing is mind and entropy magic. This happened over the course of 1-2 years maybe and it wasn’t just the white wolf wiki but reddit posts and forum discussions. At first I thought this was retared and that it was a bit dumb for the authors to include mundane things that people can do as magic. Then I opened up to the idea that I might be a mage and I began to reflect on my life ( what spheres do I have, what is my arete rating, what faction would I belong to etc) eventually I realized that if I have entropy 1 then I can also manipulate dice rolls and I tried to manipulate dice rolls. I did it by simply manifesting my will for the dice to roll high or low, now I do it by “pulling” the value of the dice towards oblivion or towards ascension, dice and ascend but for some reason that’s how I do it.I tried doing this with both virtual and real dice. This isn’t really magic because it could as well be just good luck or me picking out favorable results. I wanted to create magic items, to have permanent magic effects up. To do this I studied the sphere of prime and the flow of primal energy and I enchanted some rings with mind an entropy effects like to help me concentrate ,hide me in a crowd, to make me luckier. Did this by “putting” primal energy into the rings while I put the effect on it. You can’t really measure luck or blending into crowds, and I had no way to prove that they worked. At some point I learned correspondence. This sphere was confusing because the name wasn’t intuitive, so I split it in to topography and connections. I focused on the connections part and I tried to sense the connections between people or objects anything really. I have used this to look for a coin. So there was this post on reddit that said something like this. To make shure you understand how your mage’s paradigm works answer this: Your mage is thirsty and there is a vending machine nearby, but he/she doesn’t have any money. To answer this problem I learned correspondence and matter. I closed my eyes and entered a calm state and I visualized a coin then scanned the area for a coin like that. Then I saw an arrow pointing me left when I had my eyes closed. I followed it, truing when it turned ect and I found the coin. To prove to myself that magic was real I always wanted to create fire in my hands out of noting. I searched an /x / archive for “how to shoot fire from your hands”, came up with some results. And it one of the threads an anon suggested to imagine the flame in your hand. I couldn't but after a while I managed to do the following. Create a small string of purple energy between my thumb and pointer finger, I can do it with both hands. When the strings rub together they don’t do anything but they can pull on each-other. I stumbled on this while I was trying to imagine fire between my fingers. I saw a small ball of purple light. Then I just imagined it as a string anchored on my two fingers.

>Terminology Mages in mtas are will workers. Mages use will focused though a personal paradigm and foci to alter reality. Foci are tools that help a mage focus they will. Some examples are: a computer, drawing geometric patterns on the floor, imagining fractal patterns etc. Awakening. An awaking happens when a mage realizes that belief changes reality. Avatars are a sort of spirit that guides the mage to ascension or descension in the case of nephandi. Avatars take mages on seekings, a seeking is trial/quest where an avatar tries to further enlighten the mage. Avatars can manifest in different ways. For example one avatar might guide their mage by highlighting parts of conversations overheard by the mage, then the mage might interpret the different bits of conversions to for an idea that produces a eureka like moment. At that moment the mage gains a better understanding of the world, and becomes more enlightened as a result. When a mage dies his avatar departs, that avatar then either reattaches itself to a newly born person or someone who just awoke. Ascension. I don't exact know what it is but I think it's like creating the philosopher's stone for alchemists. I think I feel it though. Descension. The opposite of ascension don't remember how or if it's described in lore I'll just use my past experiences. I think it's like this. A fundamental part of desencsion is breaking things down, and by that I don't mean taking concepts and ideas apart to find the truth. It's more of a feeling, a weird sensation. I don't know, exactly, how to put it into words but I'll try. It's part corruption and part destruction. The most prominent aspect of this was my omniciadal urge. The urge to destroy the world and every thing in it, every atom thought and idea. To drag it it all to oblivion where it can unexist, for the simple fact that it dared to exist. But there wasn't any real motive behind it. No real world cause,no nothing, the world hadn't wronged me enough to deserve this fate. I was: part hatred, part pain, part delight, part sadism, part peace (for if there is no more world then there wont be any more pain), part corruption of me and others, part self-destruction and willing damnation. The main reason why I didn’t wind up some serial rapist mass-murderer psycho was because I turned all of this onto myself. by corrupting myself I corrupt the word. For a concrete example you can look at the guy from Hatred, that game bout being a mass-murderer. My name is not important. What is important is what I'm going to do. I just fucking hate this world. My whole life is just cold, bitter hatred. And I always wanted to die . This is the time of death and no life is worth saving. And I will put in the grave as many as I can. It's time for me to kill. And it's time for me to die. Hatred’Guy’s speech but I removed the parts that didn’t apply to me and replaced “vengeance” with “death”. At any rate if guns were easy to obtain where I am from I would have probably shot myself or went on a murder spree. Nephandi. The nephandi are mages that went through a caul. A caul is a chamber that inverts the avatar of a mage. Most avatars guide mages to ascension, some avatars are indifferent or might even have their own agendas, but the avatars of the nephandi guide them to desecnsion. To become a nephandus is to gleefully and willingly accept the worst possible version of yourself, this happens inside a caul. A caul is a chamber that converts normal nephandi. I don't know how to propperly articulate how messed up these guys are. Widderslainte: In mtas lore a widderslainte is a mage whose avatar belonged to a nephandus in a past life. Acording to the lore almost all of these people succumb to their darker urges, and join the nephandi.

>>804 Why bother learning an rpg system if you arent going to play the game. You are so weird. We could have made an rpg group 2 years ago when we first talked on >>>/tg/ You are frustrating.

>>806 I don't really know why, other than I wanted to learn a hard to learn rpg. Also I think you are mixing me up with another anon.

>>807 Man I hope not, cause then there'd be two guys who learned the mechanics of an rpg and thought that meant they could do real magic. Maybe it's the core book, I mean it is rather esoteric. Balls. Are you really a different guy? Man what are the fucking odds

>>808 >There's two of us, yes. Anyway this is what I did to myself maybe you can use it a chronicle one day. I'll probably upload a more polished version on the rotes database. This is what I did to myself, this is what I wrote in my note book after I reinvered my avatar. I feel free , I might have done it I might have reinverted my avatar at least for a short time. Here is part of how I did it . I envisioned ascension and descension as a tunnel or shaft. My avatar how it was a sun covered in black goo. My constructed fake avatar as a fake but normal sun (I made it to point me towards ascension) Both were put together. I put thrusters on my avatar that was rapidly falling towards malfeas to stop it. Then with will and pain quite great I tuned my avatar towards ascension. It is still corrupted, I am still tainted but I think it doesn't point me towards hell anymore. I will be paranoid but at last the omnicidal urges are gone. I feel like a burden was lifted ( when I did the reinversion I thought of the moments when U was free from the avatar before I awoke, I thought of the few memories I had what I didn’t feel the avatar’s pull. Those proved to me that my current existence was flawed. Thus I had proof I needed to push my avatar and reinvert it. It was like turning a big weight it’s hard to lift at first but on the way down it helps its self fall. I took some attempts to get this success. Also I think I can use the qlippothic spheres still and can enter that state of mind that my avatar put me in to descend better, It’s good that I have the freedom to use them but I won’t since they cause pain in my soul just to think about them. If you are a normal mage reading this, don’t have much mercy for my kind. We are monsters plain and simple, I know this because I felt the urges our kind do. It lasted for one hour but the omnicidal urges are back. The rest was good ,I will be relying on this but it’s good to know that it works. Also a remix of “Propaganda” from jojos was playing in the back of my mind when the flip happened. Aditional stuff: When I visualized my avatar and the fake avatar, the fake avatar was on top ( towards ascension) and the real one was on the bottom, they were close together connected but not touching. When I tuned my avatar it felt like I was turning a big wheel like thing, using an axle placed in the center but the axle almost broke. After that day I went to some monasteries, I had holy oil rubbed on my head I obtained holy water and antidoron I felt the urges come back. The best way to combat them is to ignore them and to not pay them any mind and to avoid anything that might trigger them. Also I put two doors inside the shaft. First one bellow the thrusters and the second one above my fake avatar, that was kind of fading and disappearing from thought. Then I opened the top door and closed it back up. I also had a priest bless the house and he left some holy oil and water. I draw 3 crosses on my head and one on my sternum, I draw additional crosses wherever I feel pain, the kind of pain I felt while I was in that state of mind.

>>809 Very least I can use it for flavor, the current group is playing Ironclaw but I'm getting tired of furry shit. Mage might be fun.

>>808 >My avatar how it was a sun covered in black goo You know I think I work with this energy a lot. I remember back a few years ago I managed to have a breakthrough and condense it to a very pure thoughtform, I called it the 'black almond' because it had an oblong shape and smelled like cyanide. As I invoked it into myself I felt a sudden and powerful urge to commit a spree killing, I've never felt that urge before (serial killing urge maybe) but the sort of hopelessness this inspired just resonated strongly with that act. I cast it out of myself and into the environment to see what it would do and it gave my neighbor a stroke the next day. I began regularly invoking this negative energy years ago because I liked its power, and I figured out that if you 'flip the polarities' so that it draws energy from the environment instead of you it doesn't cause much harm in the short term to your body. But what I didn't account for was that you have to actually put that energy into action to make it permanent, which I wasn't willing to do, so I ended up getting sloppy and lazy and letting it act on myself as I continued to invoke it which ended up taking me very very close to shooting myself. As a way to 'become one with the void'. In an esoteric, not depressive sense. Anyway a week or so ago I happened to hear an account of how a clairvoyant saw 'demons' as a black cloud parasite attached to people (exactly how the outer aura of the Black Almond appears to me), and it somehow woke me up to the fact that I was essentially drinking cyanide every day. So now I'm done drinking that stuff, it's a good weapon but drinking it for benefit is no good. At least I have good tolerance to negative energies now. So instead I now need to learn to work with this other energy I've encountered, a sort of pure white mana. It seem to represent 'truth' or 'value' or 'beauty'. If I condense it to an object it usually becomes some sort of gem or diamond, and every spirit I've gave some to has been extremely happy to receive anything associated with this energy as a gift or payment. I might actually go back and review my Mage sourcebook pdfs for ideas on how to use it better. That's why I like well thought out fictional magic systems, they usually have a lot of good ideas on thoughtform and energy functionality.

I think I'm at a point where I need to become "religious" in some way, to support me in being more grounded and disciplined. Books like IIH seem to mention the use of religion often. So for now I'm going to just larp it until a deeper, more specific connection is made, or I don't need it any more.

>>984 >So for now I'm going to just larp it Life is a giant ERP. We all wear masks we all pretend to be someone and forget who we are because we got too used to the role we or others boxed us in. First lessons are about learning to either not care about your mask overcome it or learn to change it at will. This is what "breaching the veil" means in some regards. Learning to see the script the stage and the audience and understanding the greater role we are in. >I need to become "religious" in some way >to support me in being more grounded and disciplined Yes those are important and that is the main perk of having a "tradition" or a working magical system that you can rely on but the most important thing religion should grant you is faith zeal and conviction and a mindset that makes you focus on the nature of God instead of the fleeting earthly desires. It's not very simple and I too had a love hate relationship with religion because it's a necessary thing to accept in your childhood then as you become an edgy teenager you start to see how limiting and mundane it is then as you move forward you might notice the higher energies and benevolent entity forces that lurk within. There is a reason why religion manages to survive and stay resilient. Truth survives while falsehoods decay rot and crumble. The question is always if you are able to see the glimpse of truth in the sea of decay. Not easy I know.

My wizard friend (the one who I mentioned was having hand issues in the Question Thread) has been unreachable for the past several weeks. On the bright side, he did say that the advice /fringe/ gave helped his hands recover, so thanks again for that. anyway that's enough of my sadposting on here, enjoy this unrelated pic

I no longer wish to live in this shithole of a prison planet. Let me end it all so I can go back to the true reality.

>>1131 >(the one who I mentioned was having hand issues in the Question Thread) I wonder what he was doing originally. He might be haunted by other entities too he accidentally summoned but maybe he is just simply busy. Found this vid just now so I feel I have to post it. >advice /fringe/ gave helped his hands recover Nice. >enjoy this unrelated pic Haha. Classic women. >how to make man love you >bake cake for him why is it so hard to comprehend by some women If you think slutwitch is looking weirdly at granmawitch because of the menstrual blood then you don't understand women. She looks weird because she has to do something mundane like baking a cake and not like some dumb ass spell then act like a bipolar pixie around a man she "loves" so much. Hahahaha. Women. >>1151 >so I can go back to the true reality If you have a link towards your own true reality then widen the connection ask for guidance towards it then make the necessary steps so you can return. If not then understand your craving towards it and try to find glimpses towards your truth. If your reality is too far away it will take quite the work and dedication to get there. There are too many realities around and a misstep might land you in an another false reality.

>>1151 Git gud

>>1151 the suffering will continue until morale improves

Wondering if maybe I should start attempting to map out my synesthesia. It's been an integral part of my perception for as long as I can remember. In preschool, I used to watch for adults picking their children up and get a feel for their energy, and associate them with letters or colors. It's usually described in mundane terms as a sort of crossing between senses (like smelling colors), but for me it's more like sense objects and concepts have abstract yet extremely palpable qualities that exist beyond the realm of 'the senses', but which can be recognizably perceived through any of the 5 senses. (I rewrote this sentence several times but it probably still doesn't make any sense) Anyway I was thinking at first that I could just start writing them down on paper but then I had an even better idea of creating some kind of database with entries (The letter A, the color red, Trump, bananas, w/e) which could be assigned tags of whatever things they share synesthesia-based qualities with, so I could easily navigate and map out the broader connections between all these things. Just got to find a good software with this basic functionality.

I think I'm close to being able to reliably astral project at will. Last night I was unknowingly ghostwalking around the house and noticed a random TV or large monitor on the floor, that looked like it belonged to a Mac computer (this object doesn't actually exist). Since this triggered semi-lucidity I went to lean on the kitchen counter and fully recollected myself. Don't remember much of what I did during the rest of this segment but my inability to conjure or emit any sort of light source was a real problem, because it's spooky, annoying, and hard to see. After that I woke up for a piss and water break then returned to sleep, determined to AP again. This time I realized I was looking around the room without my eyes, but I was still in bed, and aware of my body to some extent. After centering myself I decided to look at a mysterious rectangular object on the wall (I'm still not sure if it was a ghost object like the monitor, or something real I didn't recognize) When I approached this object, the sensation was unlike any AP experience I can recall. I was still connected to my body, yet my POV and some of my energy stretched to the object on the wall. Unfortunately I felt like I was having trouble breathing, and after some deliberation decided it was best to wake up since there might be something wrong with whatever process normally keeps me alive during AP. Took another break and went back into it. This time I was centered in a nice ghost body like before, and seemed to recognize it right away. That day I'd been thinking about how nice it would be to explore the town through AP, safe from all the crackheads. So I decided to try going out the front door for a "walk." The door opened no problem (in the past I've had difficulty opening doors and gotten stuck) and the outside seemed pretty normal, except when I stepped out I teleported to this weird harbor with docks and ships everywhere, which was disappointing.

https://youtu.be/xUA2EzzWAC4?si=o_Du319dUt6ArK5w&t=34 This is surprisingly helpful.

I'm not sure if this is just irrational paranoia but I'm starting to think a lot of the people I'm interacting with online are fake. I've been noticing a lot of weird things that have been coming to a head lately. Posters acting in weird ways, seemingly coordinated. I think it's samefagging but then something pops up that disproves that. And lately, with work. I'm starting to get suspicious because a lot of the clients I'm working with have weird names, taken from characters from comic books or names that sound very blatantly made up. So I'm looking up their social media accounts, and they look legit on first glance but then I notice that the profile images look AI generated and there's weird typos in the bio that would indicate either an ESL wrote them or they were algorithmically generated. But then I look deeper into some of them, and find information that contradicts this, one guy posting a video of himself talking on facebook. But he's talking weird, like he's a professional preacher instead of a low-level businessman. And then I notice other details, like he has a greenscreen behind him. Similar things with others. And none of these people are on Whitepages. It's all just very weird, there's something amiss and I can't put my finger on it.

>>1274 Great example of how the world has ended and only NPC emulations remain. First they cut down on the search results on Google to save processor power, replaced artists with AI slop, mass shooting and terror victims have been actors since long, now they've cut down on the NPCs themselves. And the algorithm is bad.

>>1274 I've been having this feeling with IRL people. Like they've been replaced inside or something. I've seen many posts lile yours, too. I think it began in 2020. Maybe we are dead.

Yesterday I resolved to finally get serious about developing reliable lucid dreaming and WILD techniques and today I see a lot of posts here by someone else also doing that. Crazy.