Described the game & box art as vividly as I could to an AI to have it make a fake review of the fake game. I think this kind of thing could be done in future Mosiac threads for extra laughs if done right.
>Ladies & Gentlemen, my name is TotalBiscuit, and this is another episode of 'WTF is...?'. Today, we're taking a long hard look at the bizarre fever dream that is "Grain Damage: Sprain Your Groin in 5 Posts on /v/ a Day!" for the Super Nigger AIDS handheld platform. Yes, you heard that right; it's as confusing as it sounds and just as likely to give you a migraine.
>Now, let’s get this out of the way—just take a moment to appreciate the box art. It’s a veritable wet salad of characters, including Dr. Anthony Fauci (for the science, I presume), Rich Evans from RedLetterMedia doing whatever Rich Evans does, a rabbi waving a rainbow flag (because why not), & Sonic the Hedgehog himself making an appearance alongside friends. Meanwhile, Djeeta from Granblue and the goddess Aphrodite are throwing in some much-needed gravitas. Truly, a triumphant celebration of… well, something. But let's be honest, when Dr. Kawashima starts to look like the most sensible face in the lineup, you know the game isn’t aiming for a conventional narrative. The tagline, "A sour brainy loli or a hag?" has undoubtedly raised a few eyebrows. I can’t help but ponder if deeper themes lurk beneath this madness. Is *Grain Damage* a commentary on modern society? Or perhaps just a playful jab at the absurdity of existence? I'll let the wisdom of Anon and Mark on the box cover help us decipher that puzzle because let’s face it, I’m still trying to figure out how we ended up with this punchline of a game.
>But what about the actual gameplay? The mini-games are where the real entertainment—or chaos, depending on how you look at it—lies. It’s a bit like WarioWare on speed, which is quite fitting given the game’s energetic caveats. Honestly, it’s 2025, and we’re still without a FoV slider? It’s like developers are out here taking the piss with this. You’d think they could at least compensate for the visual insanity with some proper settings, but no, here we are, squinting at the pixelated horror that is perceived through a keyhole.
>First up, we’ve got the Daily Dose mini-game which features Dr. Piccolo - you know, the fella from DBZ, now fending off Saiyans in scrubs - alongside Dr. Mario as if they’re some sort of pharmaceutical tag team. Players are challenged to match cute little pills with bizarre ailments while the doctors chirp some questionable advice. Who knew a fighting martial artist could also moonlight as a physician? Just don't ask for a prescription; I'm sure it's all illegal in some form or another.
>Then there’s ‘How many retards?’, a counting game that takes every opportunity to remind you about your poor life choices. You’re tasked with keeping track of the numskulls around you, which in this game seems to be a never-ending supply. Imagine a quiz where you’re supposed to count the number of clowns in a room filled with over-the-top caricatures. That’s it! If you manage to stay sane through this, you deserve a medal. Or maybe just a stiff drink.
>Now let's not forget the frantic 'Beat the Clock' time trials—you’ll be matching wits against a caste of uncontrollable time manipulators such as Sakuya Izayoi, Chronos, and, yes, the internet's own Filthy Frank. Every time you feel like you’re getting ahead, time itself conspires against you, and just like that, you’re back to square one, trying not to pull your hair out. Honestly, this could have been a physics lesson on relativity, but instead, we get to watch our digital selves flounder like fish out of water as we try to keep up. It’s the perfect disorienting cocktail.
>Oh, and we must mention the ‘Girl Touching’ mini-game. It requires a stylus and a remarkable will to live as you navigate a voyeuristic landscape of utterly uncomfortable gestures. This game gets handsy with the stylus in ways that I can only describe as both intriguing and grossly inappropriate. It’s as awkward as it sounds. Who knew an attempt at tactile interaction could feel so strangely uncanny? At its essence, this is perhaps the game’s way of saying, “Here’s to the touchscreen mechanics! But maybe let’s not go there?” If you ever wanted to test the limits of your moral compass while attempting to navigate bizarre social interactions with your handheld, then this is the mini-game for you. If you're looking for subtlety, this game has ripped it to shreds and tossed it into the digital ocean without a life vest.
>And let’s not forget the dancing mini-game that feels suspiciously reminiscent of Dance Dance Revolution. The visuals are as flashy as a disco ball in a nightclub that’s better off closed, and if you’re particularly uncoordinated, prepare for a good laugh—or two. Imagine doing a cha-cha while dodging a barrage of time-stopping antics by your opponents — it’s a workout and a pantomime of existential dread all in one. It’s so frenetic, you’ll lose track of whether you’re dancing or experiencing life as a series of unfortunate events. If you can dodge your way through the distracting chaos on-screen, you might find yourself in a battle against the rhythmic prowess of… well, you can guess who.
>So there you have it, folks! The overall experience feels less like playing a video game and more like enduring a prolonged fever dream, smeared with a layer of cheeky humor and a slight dash of absurdity. It’s a reminder that in the world of video games, no idea is too outlandish, and that sometimes, you just need a title that can make you question your sanity—but in a good way! Just be prepared to sprain a few brain cells along the way. "Grain Damage: Sprain Your Groin in 5 Posts a Day!" is like that ill-advised night out that leaves you full of regrets but with a wicked grin plastered across your face. If you’re after a game that also makes you question your friends’ taste in entertainment, then this is the title for you. It's undoubtedly a rollercoaster of bizarre creativity that might just be worth your time if you fancy a chuckle—or a mental breakdown. If you’re looking for a game that will leave you questioning your life choices while simultaneously providing a solid dose of entertainment, then by all means, have at it. Just remember to stretch first; you’ll likely need those groin muscles intact after playing this bizarre creation!